random quote: third meditation

"When I turn my mind's eye upon myself, I understand that I am a thing which is incomplete and dependent on another and which aspires without limit to ever greater and better things; but I also understand at the same thime that he on whom I depend has within him all those greater things, not just indefinitely and potentially but actually and infinitely, and hence that he is God."
-Descartes, Third Meditation: The Existence of God

v-day

so...i witnessed a marriage proposal on the south oval this afternoon. happy valentine's day everyone...

update

quick update on life:

highlights/lowlights (?) of last week:

• 1 test (psychology, i still don't have the book)
• 1 program due (data structures, still don't really know how to program in c++)
• the usual gazillion homework assignments due

i went to an intramural basketball game, not-a-dated, watched the godfather, did some painting etc, lost my notebook that had three classes worth of notes in it, had a partial mental breakdown...the usual

still haven't skipped class yet this semester, although i have slept through one while in class

current listening: wicked soundtrack
current reading: muddling my way through descartes meditations

notebooks

sooo...i finally went to go get notebooks for class today. later i was sitting in class and i was looking at the little calendars at the front of my notebook. they spanned the years of 1999 to 2002. when i came home and looked at my other one i had bought, the years were 1995 to 1997. since there's really no reason to put an out-of-date calendar anywhere, i can only assume that these notebooks were produced before the dates on them. that is very, very strange. i wonder what else we buy that could be almost 10 years old...

random lyrics: rich mullins

Well, it took the hand of God Almighty
To part the waters of the sea
But it only took one little lie
To separate you and me
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are

And they say that one day Joshua
Made the sun stand still in the sky
But I can't even keep these thoughts of you from passing by
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are

We are frail, we are fearfully and wonderfully made
Forged in the fires of human passion
Choking on the fumes of selfish rage
And with these our hells and our heavens
So few inches apart
We must be awfully small
And not as strong as we think we are

And the Master said their faith was
Gonna make them mountains move
But me, I tremble like a hill on a fault line
Just at the thought of how I lost you
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are

And if you make me laugh
I know I could make you like me
'Cause when I laugh I can be a lot of fun
But when we can't do that I know that it is frightening
What I don't know is why we can't hold on
We can't hold on.

It took the hand of God Almighty
To part the waters of the sea
But it only took one little lie
To separate you and me
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are

When you love you walk on the water
Just don't stumble on the waves
We all want to go there somethin' awful
But to stand there it takes some grace
'Cause oh, we are not as strong
As we think we are

No, we are not as strong
As we think we are

-Rich Mullins, We Are Not As Strong As We Think We Are

books

okay, so i got a ton of books for christmas/bought a lot of books over christmas break. they are as follows:

• Great Dialogues of Plato - Plato
  
• To Kill A Mockingbird - Harper Lee
  
• Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoevsky
  
• The Count of Monte Cristo - Alexander Dumas
  
• The Odyssey - Homer
  
• A Reformation Debate - Calvin/Sadoleto
• Confessions - St. Augustine
  
• Systematic Theology - Wayne Grudem
  
• Till We Have Faces - C.S. Lewis
• A Severe Mercy - Sheldon Vanauken
• Under the Banner of Heaven: A Story of Violent Faith - Jon Krakauer
• The Cultural Contradictions of Capitalism - Daniel Bell
• Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit - J.R.R. Tolkien
• The Hunchback of Notre Dame - Victor Hugo
• Lord of the Flies - William Golding

i am hereby resolving to read all of these before the end of the year (except the ones i've already read before). i'm also removing systematic theology from that list seeing as it's kind of under the "reference" heading. my progress will be recorded in the sidebar on the right.

semester review

i'm a little behind some people, but i suppose i should do this before the new semester starts...

third semester in review (sorry danny, but it was such a good title i couldn't resist):

apparently there were a lot of "firsts" this semester:

• first ou football game (and many thereafter)
• first semester without a single all-nighter (not even for my standard 8am calc final)
• first cigar
• first trip to a non-okc or non-tulsa oklahoman town
• first time to vote
  
• first semester to not live in the honors dorm
• first semester where i actually went to the library for studying purposes
• first semester to do undergraduate research
  

i also:

• decided to change my major
• made new friends and unfortunately lost some old ones
• took 9 hours of classes which count not a bit towards my new major (however, on the bright side, i can have cool side conversations with my brother about martensite while watching the reforging of the sword in return of the king)
• decided i wanted to be an RA, took the class, and subsequently decided that i did not indeed want to be an RA
• actually ate at the cafeteria
• interned with sin
  
• finished my calc sequence
  
• had my last class with doc m
• experienced the horror that is physics with dr. shafer-ray
• experienced the awesomeness that is socaps
• gained new appreciation for non-math and -science subjects (i promise i won't make fun of letters majors anymore)

this semester has in some ways been the absolute worst of any i've had so far, but in some other ways it has been the best. there were times when i was incredibly lonely and sad and there were times when i don't think i've ever been happier. there was a lot of stuff that went on that, though i wouldn't particularily want to go through again, i would, if i felt it would teach me as much as it did the first time. i've learned a lot about myself, about other people, and about God's sovereignty and grace. i've failed at some friendships, but i've also gained and restored some friendships and in the process learned what true friendship really is. i have been more challeged to think and stretch and grow than ever before. all in all, it's been a good semester. even for all the crap that came along with it, the best thus far.

w00t

ok so, cool story. today i was downtown hanging out with my friend cassidy and since the weather was beautiful (60 degrees and just a tiny bit of rain) we decided to just wander around for awhile and maybe check out some of the cool shops...so anyway, we ended up at a little clothing consignment shop where i found, not clothes, but my very own copy of the lord of the rings trilogy (which i did not previously own). in addition, this is no lame current edition. no, this is old school. white cover with brown and black art, yellowed pages, no sign of orlando bloom anywhere on that cover, printing date: 1978. that's the year my parents got married. yup, way old school and way cool. i was pretty psyched, especially since it was only $10 for the set. when i asked the lady why she sold books so cheap, so responded, "because i want people to read." that lady gained major coolness points in my book today.

in addition, this is one more instance to add to my theory that i can't leave the house anymore without returning with a book. i think this is the fourth instance of something like this happening...

tsunami

http://homepage.mac.com/demark/tsunami/9.html

random lyrics: modest mouse

just reading lyrics on the internet the other day and came across this:

"If God takes life, he's an Indian giver."
-Modest Mouse, "Bukowski"

what a concise way of summing up how it seems most people feel about God. he's kind of there as a convenience factor, but he had better come through and do what we ask of him, otherwise, we feel like we're not getting what we "deserve". if only we could fully grasp the reality of what it is that we are truly deserving of. the wrath of God that we are spared from.

------------------------------------------------------

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! "Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor?" "Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him?" For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.
-Romans 11:33-36

post!!

i just had the first twinge of wanting to be back at college...the weather here was beautiful today and it's still fairly warm (61 degrees). i wish i was back at ou so i could wander over to the honors dorm to find someone to go to crossroads with or just take a walk. i might consider it here, but there is no one around and no streetlights in my neighborhood either...so maybe i should just go look at the stars, because you really can see those...

ok, i haven't posted in a while. let me sum up what's been going on: nothing. well...i suppose that's not entirely true. i've been doing a lot of reading. i would highly recommend crime and punishment to any of ya'll. other than that i've just been hanging out with the fam, frequenting some coffee shops, doing some web page stuff. the usual.

tomorrow marks the beginning of 2005. i can't believe that. it makes me feel really old for some reason. i can still remember when the year 2000 seemed so far away...anyhow, i know that the whole new years resolutions thing seems so cliche, but i'm thinking i might write some up anyway. introspection is always good, right? or maybe i can just consider them "new semester resolutions", that'll make me feel better.

random quotes: finding common ground

this is pretty out-of-context, but i thought it was interesting anyway...

"We know where great scientists come from--they are slowly developed through years of intensive study and discipline. But where do great artists come from? When we meet a great scholar we often say, 'What a learned person,' or 'What an accomplished thinker.' When we meet a great artist we say, 'What a gifted person,' or 'What a talented artist,' as though her skills were somehow genetically acquired. To develop an art requires every bit as much discipline, study, and application as the obtaining of knowledge--maybe more. Michelangelo was once asked how he obtained his incredible genius. 'If people know how hard I have worked to obtain my mastery,' he said, 'it would not seem wonderful at all.'"
-Finding Common Ground, Tim Downs

being home

hmm...being home is actually a bit boring. there's no one around. i really wish i liked talking on the phone, but as it is, i have an irrational dislike of it, or at least of calling people...

haven't started christmas shopping. that is bad. i will hopefully start tomorrow, but quite frankly, i am just not really in the christmas mood i guess. our tree is halfway up and i could care less. me and my dad were talking and we determined that we really didn't care, so we might as well just not put one up or something. i brought that up to my mom and she said, "the tree is not for you, it's for your sister"...good to know who the favorite is...just kidding, i'd want to see a christmas tree too if i'd been in china for 10 months too.

cool thing happened to me yesterday: my mom and i were going to walmart and goodwill happens to be in the same shopping center, so we stopped there first. i definitely bought a few cds, in particular the beautiful letdown by switchfoot. can't beat three bucks for a practically new cd that you were going to buy anyway...

so yeah, being home is cool. really relaxing if nothing else. hope everyone else is having a good break.

random quotes: stepping heavenward

i hope to be doing a lot of reading over break and as i do, i will probably post on here some of the quotes that happen to strike me. i am putting them here much for my benefit, so i can re-read them later, but hopefully they will benefit you in some way too...

"I am afraid that you are in danger of falling into an error only too common among young Christians. You acknowledge that there has been enmity to towards God in your secret soul, and that one of the first steps towards peace is to become reconciled to Him and to have your sins forgiven for Christ's sake. This done, you settle down with the feeling that the great work of life is done, and that your salvation is sure. Or, if not sure, that your whole business is to study your own case to see whether you are really in a state of grace. Many persons never get beyond this point. They spend their whole time in asking the question:

'Do I love the Lord or no?

Am I His or am I not?'

I beg you, my dear child, if you are doing this aimless, useless work, to stop short at once. Life is to precious to spend in a tread-mill.. Having been pardoned by your God and Saviour, the next thing you have to do is to show your gratitude for this infinite favor by consecrating yourself entirely to Him, body, soul, and spirit. This is the least you can do. He has bought you with a price, and you are no longer, your own. 'But,' you may reply, this is contrary to my nature. I love my own way. I desire ease and pleasure; I desire to go to heaven, to be carried thither on a bed of flowers. Can I not give myself so far to God as to feel a sweet sense of peace with Him, and be sure of final salvation, and yet, to a certain extent, indulge and gratify myself? If I give myself entirely away in Him and lose all ownership in myself, He may deny me many things I greatly desire. He may make my life hard and wearisome, depriving me of all that now makes it agreeable.' But, I reply, this is no matter of parley and discussion; it is not optional with God's children whether they will pay Him a part of the price they owe Him, and keep back the rest. He asks, and He has a right to ask, for all you have and all you are. And if you shrink from what is involved in such a surrender, you should fly to Him at once and never rest till He has conquered this secret disinclination to give to Him as freely and as fully as He has given to you It is true that such an act of consecration on your part may involve no little future discipline and correction. As soon as you become the Lord's by your own deliberate and conscious act, He will begin that process of sanctification which is to make you holy as He is holy, perfect as He is perfect. He becomes at once ,your physician as well as your dearest and best Friend, but He will use no painful remedy that can be avoided. Remember that it is His will that you should be sanctified, and that the work of making you holy is His, not yours. At the same time you are not to sit with folded hands, waiting for this blessing. You are to avoid laying hindrances in His way, and you are to exercise faith in Him as just as able and just as willing to give you sanctification as He was to give you redemption. And now if you ask how you may know that you have truly consecrated yourself to Him, I reply, observe every in indication of His will concerning you, no matter how trivial, and see whether you at once close in with that will. Lay down this principle as a law- God does nothing arbitrary. If He takes away your health, for instance, it is because He has some reason for doing so; and this is true of everything you value; and if you have real faith in Him you will not insist on knowing this reason. If you find, in the course of daily events, that your self-consecration was not perfect-that is, that your will revolts at His will-do not be discouraged, but fly to your Saviour and stay in His presence till you obtain the spirit in which He cried in His hour of anguish, 'Father, if Thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless, not my will but Thine be done.' Every time you do this it will be easier to do it; every such consent to suffer will bring you nearer and nearer to Him; and in this nearness to Him you will find such peace, such blessed, sweet peace, as will make your life infinitely happy, no matter what may be its mere outside conditions. Just think, my dear Katy, of the honor and the joy of having your will one with the Divine will, and so becoming changed into Christ's image from glory to glory!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

"It is not necessary to say much to God. Oftentimes one does not speak much to a friend whom one is delighted to see; one looks at him with pleasure; one speaks certain short words to him which are mere expressions of feeling. The mind has no part in them, or next to none; one keeps repeating the same words. It is not so much a variety of thoughts that one seeks in intercourse with a friend, as a certain repose and correspondence of heart. It is thus we are with God, who does not disdain to be our tenderest, most cordial,-most familiar, most intimate friend. A word, a sigh, a sentiment, says all to God; it is not always necessary to have transports of sensible tenderness; a will all naked and dry, without life, without vivacity, without pleasure, is often purest in the sight of God. In fine, it is necessary to content one's self with giving to Him what He gives it to give, a fervent heart when it is fervent, a heart firm and faithful in its aridity, when He deprives it of sensible fervor. It does not always depend on you to feel; but it is necessary to wish to feel. Leave it to God to choose to make you feel sometimes, in order to sustain your weakness and infancy in Christian life; sometimes weaning you from that sweet and consoling sentiment which is the milk of babes, in order to humble you, to make you grow, and to make you robust in the violent exercise of faith, by causing you to sweat the bread of the strong in the sweat of your brow. Would you only love God according as He will make you take pleasure in loving Him? You would be loving your own tenderness and feeling, fancying that you were loving God. Even while receiving sensible gifts, prepare yourself by pure faith for the time when you might be deprived of them and you will suddenly succumb if you had only relied on such support."

-Stepping Heavenward

the trip

it is so good to be home. i fear that it is going to spoil me horribly though, having nothing required of me, no homework etc...

yesterday was definitely the longest...trip...home...ever...i left norman at about 2:45 yesterday afternoon and managed to not actually make it home to columbia until 3:30 in the morning. i did however manage to see new places in oklahoma that i'd never seen before. up until yesterday i can't say i'd ever been anywhere besides norman, okc, or tulsa (and now i suppose chickasha). not so anymore. joe and i took the scenic route on 33 due to missing the 44 exit or somehow getting off again, we're still kind of unsure on that one...as a side note on that topic: wide load vehicle are really annoying on two lane roads...then once we got into missouri, we were about 20 miles outside of springfield when traffic stopped for an accident. we sat for probably 20 minute or so and then joe's low fuel light went on. meanwhile traffic is still nowhere close to moving but we were about 20 yards from an exit so we got off and started off on a smaller road that headed towards springfield in hopes of finding a gas station. i'm not sure i ever really considered the fact that gas station in small towns might not be open 24-hour, passing some like that kind of gave us a scare. when we finally did find a station we put 15.88 gallons in a 16 gallon tank. i'm really glad that we didn't have to add running out of gas to that lovely list of things-gone-wrong for the trip...

so, yeah, i am home and my brother is home and my sister is getting home on thursday night. she is getting in to the kansas city international airport at midnight. i think the fam is going to drive into kc and maybe go hang out and see the plaza before we pick her up. that should be pretty cool. family time is amazing, i shall be very sad if i don't get my full dose of it this summer...

emily

just fyi, try looking up your name at dictionary.com

emily, MN (city, FIPS 19286)
Location: 46.75688 N, 93.96152 W
Population (1990): 613 (757 housing units)
Area: 77.7 sq km (land), 15.8 sq km (water)
Zip code(s): 56447

from acronym finder:
EMILY Early Money Is Like Yeast
EMILY Every Moment I Love You

sorry about that...i'm procrastinating

...words fail me

i just found out tonight that the brother of one of the girls i graduated from high school with died this afternoon in a car wreck. the family's car was side-swiped by a semi as they were driving to north carolina. he was thrown from the car, and flown to a hospital where he died in surgery. he was a sophomore in high school.

our lives on this earth are so fragile. God promises us nothing in regards to the next day. i know at this point all the carpe diem stuff may seem a little bit cliche, but how much is there each day that i should be doing but don't. that i put off with intentions to do it the next day. i've come to a point in my life where i take the next day for granted. death and hardship never comes to mind. i never think "this may be the last time i have to speak with this person or share the gospel with them." i don't take advantage of most of the opportunities i've been given. so much of my life is lived in a go-with-the-flow manner. i live in fear of being too different, of offending people, and in doing so, i hurt not only myself, but them. i lose so many opportunities to reach people and be their friend, usually because i'm so wrapped up in myself and my problems, which are truly insignificant. i spend so much time playing therapist to myself that i fail to notice the struggles of others.

-----

Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into this or that town and spend a year there and do business and make a profit." You do not know about tomorrow. What is your life like? For you are a puff of smoke that appears for a short time and then vanishes. You ought to say instead, "If the Lord is willing, then we will live and do this or that." But as it is,you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows what is good to do and does not do it is guilty of sin. (James 4:13-16)

thanksgiving

thanksgiving is on thursday (as it is every year) and i figured i'd take a little bit of time to think about what i'm thankful for. it seems slightly cliche i suppose, but i know it's something i don't think about very often, so here goes...

i'm thankful for my God and Savior Jesus Christ and for His sovereign mercy and grace, without which i would be nowhere; for my parents, i love them so much and am so thankful for the influence they've been on my life and for the way they raised me; for my brother and sister, you guys are amazing, this may sound bad, but i'm so glad that you guys went away to college because it made me appreciate you so much more, i love hanging out with you guys, you're awesome. i'm so thankful that God chose to put me at the university of oklahoma. when i think about all the people that i've met as a result of being here, i know that my coming here was no accident. i am so thankful for God's sovereignty. it gives me such a peace in my life.

november

i have to say, i love it when it's warmer than usual in november (even despite the rain)

i had much fun wading in the puddles down the sidewalk today. i stopped, rolled up my pants legs, took off my shoes and socks and carried them in my hand all the way back to the dorm...it was a great experience, 4 stars at least. in fact, it's probably one of my favorite things to do right now (the other being skipping class...need to work on that)

wanted

from joel's away message:

WANTED:
Female voluteers. Must be single, reasonably attractive, and of average height.
Must be proficient in: Cleaning, Sandwich-making, Spanish, and Classical Greek.
Conversational skills essential; must be well-versed in the works of Sophocles, Tolstoy, and Shelley.

Apply online with our bodacious and free application, or call Joel or Chris, 487-1967

what would i do without those guys...