okay, while i'm actually thinking about something...
tonight, i was trying to sit down and study and i was just having a really tough time of it. i couldn't just sit down and focus. i sat down in a room all by myself and all of a sudden i wanted, even needed people around. i tried sitting in the library where there were a couple of people that i knew, but not really friends exactly...still couldn't study and i found myself getting kind of emotional, for reasons i cannot explain. so i went and sat in the hall and tried to calm myself down and get ready to focus. instead i ended up crying for a little bit. not like sobbing or anything, but just kind of tears of frustration, i guess, probably a little bit of self-pity mixed in there. i tried to pray about it, my again i was having problems focusing and i'll admit at the time it probably didn't feel like God could help. at the moment all i really wanted was a big hug and somebody to tell me it was all right. once i finally did get around some people and some conversation etc. i was fine. i don't get it. sometimes i have a hard time balancing the idea that God can, and should be everything for us and having real emotional and relational needs that sometimes it feels like can only be met by people around us.
i keep finding that i really need people. i need them for my mental and emotional stability. i need them to hang out with, to laugh with, to listen to, to make me feel significant on this earth. but should i? is that me not being fully dependent on God? or is that me being a very human human being? Jesus was tempted in every way that we were...He had close friends...but did He need them? could He have "made it" without them? were they just there to be there, or were they actually necessary for His life here on earth?
Friday, March 25, 2005
warning: completely random
i think my blog deserves a post at this point. it's been what? eight whole days. shame on me.
ok, my thoughts, in no particular order:
current listening: she don't want nobody near, counting crows
current reading: electrical circuits, nillson
ok, my thoughts, in no particular order:
- i think i'm really liking school right now, i can't quite explain it, but i guess i just kind of feel like i'm in the right major and such. it feels like i finally almost have a handle on classes
- learning stuff makes me feel dumb. the more i learn, the more i hate that i just don't have the time, or unfortunately in many cases, the inclination to pursue all the things that interest me
- i have little to no critical thinking skills outside of concrete thinking. even then it's sometimes pretty bad
- i filled out/sent in my passport application this week. i think that will make it more likely that i actually do end up in china this summer
- i will be living in the dorms next year. in honors. with andrea. it's official
- the weather today was beautiful. every time i got out of class it was warmer than when i entered class. i feel like we're on the verge of spring and that just makes me very happy right now
- sometimes i just feel like planning in my life is futile. nothing ever turns out as i expect, and i wonder why i feel compelled to plan
- the more i talk to my sister these days, the more i realize i'm a lot more like her than i thought. the way we think and the issues we've had to deal with are amazingly similar. i just wish that i'd figured this out a long time ago...
- i think i've walked at least 11 miles this week and somewhere in there i think i managed to hurt my foot somehow. it feels like the top of it is bruised. i wonder what happened. i wish i knew more about how the body works, but i fear that will always be an unknown for me
- c.s. lewis has amazing insight into human thought (i'm reading the screwtape letters right now)
- i have been to the mont three times this year for 21st birthdays. apparently turning 21 is the cool thing to do this year.
current listening: she don't want nobody near, counting crows
current reading: electrical circuits, nillson
Thursday, March 17, 2005
hotel rwanda
i went to see hotel rwanda today with cassidy. i think the best adjective i have for what i felt after watching it was petty. not the movie, but myself. i started thinking about all the things i worry about in my life, mostly about school and relationships...not exactly life and death issues. my life is consumed with little worries, almost always having to do with myself.
what if i honestly just stopped worrying about myself, about my issues, and started concerning myself with other people. there are so many people and countries that have much bigger needs than i can ever dream of having. the thought of having to deal with a war or fighting on my country's own soil has never crossed my mind as even being possible. what if i had to deal with the moral issue of genocide and i had to put my life at risk to do the right thing? what would i do? would i have the courage to stand up for what is right? i guess that's kind of a hard "what if...?" question to answer, but if my actions now are any indicator, i'd probably have to say "no", i wouldn't. i fail day after day to make the right decisions. i choose a path of selfishness without even thinking about it. i do what seems best for me.
how do i change that? how do i take my own little spotlight off of me and move it anyone else...you'd think with the ratio of everyone else to me being so extremely large it would be easier, but it isn't.
what if i honestly just stopped worrying about myself, about my issues, and started concerning myself with other people. there are so many people and countries that have much bigger needs than i can ever dream of having. the thought of having to deal with a war or fighting on my country's own soil has never crossed my mind as even being possible. what if i had to deal with the moral issue of genocide and i had to put my life at risk to do the right thing? what would i do? would i have the courage to stand up for what is right? i guess that's kind of a hard "what if...?" question to answer, but if my actions now are any indicator, i'd probably have to say "no", i wouldn't. i fail day after day to make the right decisions. i choose a path of selfishness without even thinking about it. i do what seems best for me.
how do i change that? how do i take my own little spotlight off of me and move it anyone else...you'd think with the ratio of everyone else to me being so extremely large it would be easier, but it isn't.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
words or pictures?
i was taking some sort of quiz thing online the other day that was supposed to determine left brained-/right brained-ness or what have you and one of the questions was something along the lines of "when you think, do you think in words or pictures?"
this was a new idea for me. i definitely think in words. in fact, i generally have a constant stream of words/sentences running through my head, with one only remaining until the next one comes to replace it. so now i'm curious, do you guys think in words or pictures? if it is pictures, are they kind of quick flashes, like photographs, or are they more like short film clips?
along those lines, for people who speak multiple languages, how does that play into their thinking? i assume that the two languages mix. if one thinks in pictures or images, doesn't that seem more universal, that you don't have to mess with words when you think?
this was a new idea for me. i definitely think in words. in fact, i generally have a constant stream of words/sentences running through my head, with one only remaining until the next one comes to replace it. so now i'm curious, do you guys think in words or pictures? if it is pictures, are they kind of quick flashes, like photographs, or are they more like short film clips?
along those lines, for people who speak multiple languages, how does that play into their thinking? i assume that the two languages mix. if one thinks in pictures or images, doesn't that seem more universal, that you don't have to mess with words when you think?
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